written circa 2003
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Friday, June 26, 2009
bye bye, MJ
Unconfirmed reports say that Michael Jackson MAY be dead.
I saw it first on /b/ and my first reaction, seeing as it was /b/, was; 'yep, it's shooped'
But, now I see the news story on CNN. I never liked him but the fucker is\was talented.
here is a story that says that he is dead!
update::Now they say that he is in a coma.
Nope, now they say that he has died.
WTF!! America? lrn2news.
I saw it first on /b/ and my first reaction, seeing as it was /b/, was; 'yep, it's shooped'
But, now I see the news story on CNN. I never liked him but the fucker is\was talented.
here is a story that says that he is dead!
update::
Nope, now they say that he has died.
WTF!! America? lrn2news.
Friday, June 05, 2009
Hola
Hmmm...
It seems India bashing is not so popular. Who would have thought that the readers of a blog such as mine can also be patriotic :P
I am not able to write blog posts in my usual style because I am very frustrated right now. My PAN card has been under processing - not updated status since April even though I have sent them copies of all the required documents not once not twice but 5 times.
My DL which needs an address change is stuck up because the people at the RTO forgot to mention to me that they need a new snap, also, they are unable to 'print' the new card apparently.
So my Passport, my third one, is not being renewed as I don't have three ID proofs, and also since they are unable to schedule an appointment online due to some system errors.
My I20 is stuck in mumbai, UPS claims 'civil unrest' on its tracking page wtf?
This is the primary reason that has prompted me to write against the system in our country. Hence the India bashing, but the lack of enthusiasm on the new posts means that I have decided to shelf the remaining posts I had written and kept.
So, as you can see, it's not really a great time for me. Anyway, I do promise to start as soon as my problems get over, if.
It seems India bashing is not so popular. Who would have thought that the readers of a blog such as mine can also be patriotic :P
I am not able to write blog posts in my usual style because I am very frustrated right now. My PAN card has been under processing - not updated status since April even though I have sent them copies of all the required documents not once not twice but 5 times.
My DL which needs an address change is stuck up because the people at the RTO forgot to mention to me that they need a new snap, also, they are unable to 'print' the new card apparently.
So my Passport, my third one, is not being renewed as I don't have three ID proofs, and also since they are unable to schedule an appointment online due to some system errors.
My I20 is stuck in mumbai, UPS claims 'civil unrest' on its tracking page wtf?
This is the primary reason that has prompted me to write against the system in our country. Hence the India bashing, but the lack of enthusiasm on the new posts means that I have decided to shelf the remaining posts I had written and kept.
So, as you can see, it's not really a great time for me. Anyway, I do promise to start as soon as my problems get over, if.
Wednesday, June 03, 2009
Incredibly absurd India. Part 1.
India.
My Great Country!
4000 3000 7000 heck I don't know lets just say 6000 years old!
'invented' the zero
Future Economic power
Largest Democracy
Friendly People
Let me show you a glimpse of my glorious India, the 'bulund bharat' the land of peace and prosperity. The one that people like Max Mueller and Francois Gautier fell in love with. The land of non-violence, where kids respect their elders and women are treated like gods, where the gods are merciful and the water; clear. Let us see what people have done to it.
Now, it will be impossible to have a comprehensive list of all the things that I want to talk about so I will focus on the ones that come to mind and will add the rest as they arrive. I don't get paid to write this, but I want you to read it. I want it to enter the collective conscious.
1) Athiti devo Bhava
Which is in sanskrit, that almost meta-physical language, the devbhash: the language of the gods, an almost purely synthetic language with an astonishingly modern structure to its grammar, it translates to this: "The Guest is equivalent to God" or something similar. My high school Sanskrit is quite weak as I studied it for just two years in Mangalore.
This saying is a part of the national identity, we are proud of this fact and realize that it is an uncommon sentiment, one that merits admiration from the rest of the peoples of the world. Heck, we even welcomed the Central Asian hoards who basically pillaged the entire subcontinent for a few hundred years.
That we still follow this tenet is remarkable, I have placed a map below to illustrate how we put this ancient, nay! over 6000 year old principle to practical use, thereby cementing our nation's place as one of the leaders of the future:
This is a map which shows the states that have the tourist police stationed there. Tourist police who? I don't really know, I had never heard of them, apparently they do exist. All of these states reported Cases of Rape and Molestation of Tourists in 2008, this does not mean that the other states did not. The article that I 'borrowed' it from states that the 'tourist police' is quite impotent or shall I say 'spunkless?'
Remember Bittu Mohanty? the rapist son of a DGP of police who raped a German Woman and then skipped bail? Whatever happened to him? I guess he must be stalking some other tourist to have his way with. A cursory search on google gives the following results:
No less than the Supreme Court of our country moved to stay his father's arrest, even though he was the one who posted his son's bail and I assume that he would have given some sort of surety. So there, fuck you OJ, we can do the same here in India.
Interesting to note is the result at the bottom which tries to make it look like the case was blown out of proportion just because of the victim's skin color, because you see, otherwise, getting raped is no big deal. Try telling that to the families of the victims.
Awww... Don't call it rape, it is not rape, we here in the department like to call it 'surprise sex' It is harmless, really and besides those white women were asking for it. Also, see this train? do you know why its windows are shut? * wink* * wink*
Perhaps the ultimate clincher for the police is the peculiarly Indian; experience, wherein the second one sees a policeman, one starts to feel guilty. And if you are involved in an incident when one decides to arrive, then god help you.
Amusing Anecdote #1: The other day, a drunk man entered our garden to lie down. After repeated attempts to evict him proved futile and instead made him belligerent, I called the police number 100. The guy picked up after 2 minutes and upon my explanation, said that he would send the police and cut the call before I had a chance to tell him my address. And that was it. They never came. Or they went to someone else's home.
My Great Country!
'invented' the zero
Future Economic power
Largest Democracy
Friendly People
Let me show you a glimpse of my glorious India, the 'bulund bharat' the land of peace and prosperity. The one that people like Max Mueller and Francois Gautier fell in love with. The land of non-violence, where kids respect their elders and women are treated like gods, where the gods are merciful and the water; clear. Let us see what people have done to it.
Now, it will be impossible to have a comprehensive list of all the things that I want to talk about so I will focus on the ones that come to mind and will add the rest as they arrive. I don't get paid to write this, but I want you to read it. I want it to enter the collective conscious.
1) Athiti devo Bhava
Which is in sanskrit, that almost meta-physical language, the devbhash: the language of the gods, an almost purely synthetic language with an astonishingly modern structure to its grammar, it translates to this: "The Guest is equivalent to God" or something similar. My high school Sanskrit is quite weak as I studied it for just two years in Mangalore.
This saying is a part of the national identity, we are proud of this fact and realize that it is an uncommon sentiment, one that merits admiration from the rest of the peoples of the world. Heck, we even welcomed the Central Asian hoards who basically pillaged the entire subcontinent for a few hundred years.
That we still follow this tenet is remarkable, I have placed a map below to illustrate how we put this ancient, nay! over 6000 year old principle to practical use, thereby cementing our nation's place as one of the leaders of the future:
This is a map which shows the states that have the tourist police stationed there. Tourist police who? I don't really know, I had never heard of them, apparently they do exist. All of these states reported Cases of Rape and Molestation of Tourists in 2008, this does not mean that the other states did not. The article that I 'borrowed' it from states that the 'tourist police' is quite impotent or shall I say 'spunkless?'
Remember Bittu Mohanty? the rapist son of a DGP of police who raped a German Woman and then skipped bail? Whatever happened to him? I guess he must be stalking some other tourist to have his way with. A cursory search on google gives the following results:
No less than the Supreme Court of our country moved to stay his father's arrest, even though he was the one who posted his son's bail and I assume that he would have given some sort of surety. So there, fuck you OJ, we can do the same here in India.
Interesting to note is the result at the bottom which tries to make it look like the case was blown out of proportion just because of the victim's skin color, because you see, otherwise, getting raped is no big deal. Try telling that to the families of the victims.
Awww... Don't call it rape, it is not rape, we here in the department like to call it 'surprise sex' It is harmless, really and besides those white women were asking for it. Also, see this train? do you know why its windows are shut? * wink* * wink*
Perhaps the ultimate clincher for the police is the peculiarly Indian; experience, wherein the second one sees a policeman, one starts to feel guilty. And if you are involved in an incident when one decides to arrive, then god help you.
Amusing Anecdote #1: The other day, a drunk man entered our garden to lie down. After repeated attempts to evict him proved futile and instead made him belligerent, I called the police number 100. The guy picked up after 2 minutes and upon my explanation, said that he would send the police and cut the call before I had a chance to tell him my address. And that was it. They never came. Or they went to someone else's home.
Not feeling the pride, people :(
This is the unused draft that I had, before deciding to make it more like a rant and add more photos. I will be shortly posting a series of posts on why I have gone from being an over-patriotic little boy in Saudi Arabia who was the only one in a class of 50 students who said that he was most proud of his country[they made everyone stand up and answer the question, most said that they were proud of their parents. When I said that, the teacher mentioned this to my mom (who also taught in the same school)] to a bitter adult who now just wants to leave the decadence and bad memories of this country and its horrible people behind.
Basically, I will be elaborating on the points that are mentioned in this discarded version of the post. It is going to be unapologetic, so please exercise caution. Also, remember: Free Speech, bitches.
Take care.
I love this country, but to be frank, we Indians can't really manage a country on our own.
I know, you might think that I am being irrational right now because I am frustrated at some sections of the government. But seriously, what kind of a country loses all its talent to brain drain? Wait! I am getting ahead of myself, here is a list of things any thinking individual must ask about this supposedly 4000 or 6000, or whatever number we like to quote, year old civilization?
What kind of country leaves garbage strewn around on the streets of all its cities?
What kind of country leaves its sewers open thereby killing blameless people?
What kind of country allows tourists to be raped and then the accused to skip bail?
What kind of country allows its citizens to be attacked in a foreign country and then loses its balls when dealing with the host country?
What kind of country loses patents on produce that is indigenous to it?
What kind of country
Basically, I will be elaborating on the points that are mentioned in this discarded version of the post. It is going to be unapologetic, so please exercise caution. Also, remember: Free Speech, bitches.
Take care.
I know, you might think that I am being irrational right now because I am frustrated at some sections of the government. But seriously, what kind of a country loses all its talent to brain drain? Wait! I am getting ahead of myself, here is a list of things any thinking individual must ask about this supposedly 4000 or 6000, or whatever number we like to quote, year old civilization?
What kind of country leaves garbage strewn around on the streets of all its cities?
What kind of country leaves its sewers open thereby killing blameless people?
What kind of country allows tourists to be raped and then the accused to skip bail?
What kind of country allows its citizens to be attacked in a foreign country and then loses its balls when dealing with the host country?
What kind of country loses patents on produce that is indigenous to it?
What kind of country
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Bang-all
After showering her native state of West Bengal with a plethora of development projects and activities Mamata Banerjee has now been entrusted with the job of repeating her achievements with the Indian Railways. What really makes her achievements all the more astonishing is the fact that she has done this while sitting in the opposition.
Barely a few years ago the state was in ruins with its pro-communist government doing what communism does best: making everyone equally poor except for a few. Think: "The lives of others" or the USSR for instance.
Here, in order to contrast the conditions in the state between then and now, are a few snaps of the state in its present glory, because words can only describe so much of what madam has done for her state.
Roti:
The ease of availability and the sheer quantity of food that is available is mind boggling.
Kapda:
The opulence of the people of Bengal may be seen from the expensive fabrics used in their clothing. (These women have gathered to protest the difficulty in obtaining enough caviar for the high society kitty parties that they hold.)
Makaan:
There is plenty of good cheap housing available for all.
And here is a one hit wonder oops! I mean world renowned writer showcasing West Bengal's tolerance of dissent and its commitment towards upholding the law of free speech.
"What? Fuck you! I can make up words in my writing and I can bloody well make up my own theories of science and imagine my own facts and stories. I have a booker gaddamnyou! I am special; like a heart shaped hole in the sky, and I can do what I want."
And finally an exclusive karbage scoop; The last snap is that of a nano the car that has been talked about the world over in front of its factory in Bengal along with Mamta Banerjee the lady who made it happen, the tata guy(I think his name is ratan or something) and some local people striking a pose for Karbage:
I told you the car was small.
Taking all of this into consideration and with Mamtaji's magical hands, I expect the Indian railways to be functioning, in a year at most, as shown:
The Bengal Express on its daily run or business as usual for the rail employees.
Barely a few years ago the state was in ruins with its pro-communist government doing what communism does best: making everyone equally poor except for a few. Think: "The lives of others" or the USSR for instance.
Here, in order to contrast the conditions in the state between then and now, are a few snaps of the state in its present glory, because words can only describe so much of what madam has done for her state.
Roti:
The ease of availability and the sheer quantity of food that is available is mind boggling.
Kapda:
The opulence of the people of Bengal may be seen from the expensive fabrics used in their clothing. (These women have gathered to protest the difficulty in obtaining enough caviar for the high society kitty parties that they hold.)
Makaan:
There is plenty of good cheap housing available for all.
And here is a one hit wonder oops! I mean world renowned writer showcasing West Bengal's tolerance of dissent and its commitment towards upholding the law of free speech.
"What? Fuck you! I can make up words in my writing and I can bloody well make up my own theories of science and imagine my own facts and stories. I have a booker gaddamnyou! I am special; like a heart shaped hole in the sky, and I can do what I want."
And finally an exclusive karbage scoop; The last snap is that of a nano the car that has been talked about the world over in front of its factory in Bengal along with Mamta Banerjee the lady who made it happen, the tata guy(I think his name is ratan or something) and some local people striking a pose for Karbage:
I told you the car was small.
Taking all of this into consideration and with Mamtaji's magical hands, I expect the Indian railways to be functioning, in a year at most, as shown:
The Bengal Express on its daily run or business as usual for the rail employees.
Friday, May 15, 2009
India Whining.
It has been a while since I have posted anything that has been popular with the readers, that includes you, yeah you! I am speaking to you. Anyway, with the decrease in my readership due to the scarcity of updates and the decrease in quality of my posts, I see that the average visits per day has reduced to about 3-4.
Your author in a few weeks if the current readership levels(or the lack thereof)continue, and if he changes his race
Being the eternal optimist that I am, I have decided to look at the brighter side of said downturn. I realize that now that the people who usually come here are mostly just passing ephemera, I am going to not censor myself as I was doing earlier, the reasoning earlier was to not to alienate the readers. Now, I ask "what readers?"
So no more being politically correct, no more trying to be "within the limits of decency" and no more "fabrication" because we are a news disseminating agency goddammit, and I will not sacrifice my journalistic integrity anymore!!!
So here is my next piece of journalistic brilliance:
The All New Karbage List of People whose Parents should have Aborted them or in short The List of Unsuccessful Abortions:
5) Number five on the list is, surprisingly for some, this "Genius" why? because a) he does not know how to win a fucking match case in point: The Mumbai 1ndians. and b)Looking at his endorsements, you'd think the guy were bankrupt to stoop low enough to endorse some of the products he does case in point his endorsement for "Tiger Biscuits" Tiger biscuits??? WTF???
Give me some money and I will endorse Fascism if needed.
4)Fourth place goes to this prime specimen of what's gone wrong with our country:
The poof mommy feels y'all yeoh!!! peace out mah bizzles!
I mean who is she? What cave did she crawl out of to accept the post? I had never heard of her before. She looks like they took out a character from the India page of the "Handbook of Racist Caricatures of the People of the World" and breathed life into it. Who is it going to be next? A hindoo snakeman in a turban who can do the Indian Rope trick.
Who is it going to be next? This guy?
3) Third place goes to this unwanted piece of skin around an enormous asshole:
Totally not gay, y'all!
Why? only because he thinks he is a "king" of some sort and hence needs to constantly blow kisses for his circle-jerk fans (lest they die from teh cock deficiency) whenever the fucking cameraman pans to him. He is a king alright; The Faggot King of Douchebaggery.
2) The second place goes to none other than our favorite "writer," Hahahaohoh haha oh wow! no seriously, some people actually do consider her to be one.
like I am like 62 ya know but like I totally behave like I am like 16 like.
If by chance you do read her "articles" in the Times you'd think it was written by a 16 year old sorority chick who's just snorted some Xanax and guzzled a bucket load of cum from her latest blockbuster movie; one of the bukkake persuasion. The sheer banality of her writing and its utter lack of style or substance is enough to disorient and confuse the smartest of readers. So you can imagine what happens to a moron such as myself if he or she tries.
But the ultimate disorienting experience is the fact that above her article is usually an article by a sane, and intelligent writer like M.J.Akbar who clearly knows what he is doing.
1) And the grand prize winner is none other than our friendly neighborhood failed state:
One might wonder why, because a typical day there looks like this:
In Arcadia Ego???
I can't seem to say why.
So there you go, I hope you had fun, and boy have I invited a shitstorm with this one. Ah! fuck it, safe is boring.
Your author in a few weeks if the current readership levels(or the lack thereof)continue, and if he changes his race
Being the eternal optimist that I am, I have decided to look at the brighter side of said downturn. I realize that now that the people who usually come here are mostly just passing ephemera, I am going to not censor myself as I was doing earlier, the reasoning earlier was to not to alienate the readers. Now, I ask "what readers?"
So no more being politically correct, no more trying to be "within the limits of decency" and no more "fabrication" because we are a news disseminating agency goddammit, and I will not sacrifice my journalistic integrity anymore!!!
So here is my next piece of journalistic brilliance:
The All New Karbage List of People whose Parents should have Aborted them or in short The List of Unsuccessful Abortions:
5) Number five on the list is, surprisingly for some, this "Genius" why? because a) he does not know how to win a fucking match case in point: The Mumbai 1ndians. and b)Looking at his endorsements, you'd think the guy were bankrupt to stoop low enough to endorse some of the products he does case in point his endorsement for "Tiger Biscuits" Tiger biscuits??? WTF???
Give me some money and I will endorse Fascism if needed.
4)Fourth place goes to this prime specimen of what's gone wrong with our country:
The poof mommy feels y'all yeoh!!! peace out mah bizzles!
I mean who is she? What cave did she crawl out of to accept the post? I had never heard of her before. She looks like they took out a character from the India page of the "Handbook of Racist Caricatures of the People of the World" and breathed life into it. Who is it going to be next? A hindoo snakeman in a turban who can do the Indian Rope trick.
Who is it going to be next? This guy?
3) Third place goes to this unwanted piece of skin around an enormous asshole:
Totally not gay, y'all!
Why? only because he thinks he is a "king" of some sort and hence needs to constantly blow kisses for his circle-jerk fans (lest they die from teh cock deficiency) whenever the fucking cameraman pans to him. He is a king alright; The Faggot King of Douchebaggery.
2) The second place goes to none other than our favorite "writer," Hahahaohoh haha oh wow! no seriously, some people actually do consider her to be one.
like I am like 62 ya know but like I totally behave like I am like 16 like.
If by chance you do read her "articles" in the Times you'd think it was written by a 16 year old sorority chick who's just snorted some Xanax and guzzled a bucket load of cum from her latest blockbuster movie; one of the bukkake persuasion. The sheer banality of her writing and its utter lack of style or substance is enough to disorient and confuse the smartest of readers. So you can imagine what happens to a moron such as myself if he or she tries.
But the ultimate disorienting experience is the fact that above her article is usually an article by a sane, and intelligent writer like M.J.Akbar who clearly knows what he is doing.
1) And the grand prize winner is none other than our friendly neighborhood failed state:
One might wonder why, because a typical day there looks like this:
In Arcadia Ego???
I can't seem to say why.
So there you go, I hope you had fun, and boy have I invited a shitstorm with this one. Ah! fuck it, safe is boring.
Thursday, May 07, 2009
Floatin Pigs
I was pleasantly surprised when the city of Bombay, and no, I refuse to call it by its new name, resisted the efforts by those smarmy celebrities, self-assured news anchors, bored college students, cocks with candles and basically anybody with a fucking mouth to browbeat them into going and voting and choosing one from among the long list of devils available. With a turnout of about 48%, it is heartening to see that about half the population there still knows that the political system in our country is like a bullet through your brain; You cannot fucking fix it.
Broken NOT bent.
Do I vote for the BJP or do I vote for the Congress? Wait a minute what does it matter? they are all just different KINDS of a$$h0!es anyway.
Today, Delhi has gone ahead and done the same, as of now, the turnout is about 38%, wait a minute if I can remember correctly Delhi is the capital of our country or something isn't it? I mean, I know that we can't really be sure of any of this, what with all the fake and or incomplete historical records and our national hobby of exaggerating our 'culture', but if my second standard Geography is correct (or was it history??? or GK) I think it is. So the people who live right under the government's hideous nose don't care, why would anyone else?
Suspected location of Delhi. Courtesy our research team.
A polling booth in delhi; a stampede of voters eager to uphold the spirit of democracy.
K. Bedi another one of our so called National Heroes; mediocre hacks having risen to the top not due to their talent but due to a lack of competition, was seen on TV criticizing the people for not coming to vote and further adding that they didn't deserve the holiday. That the people don't care who comes to power shows the ludicrousness of available choice and the quality of the leaders who are contesting. Yes, you are right madam, the people don't need a holiday to ignore the political establishment in the country, they do that all year round. Our country prospers not because of you but in spite of you [I know, I know...cliched statement, but true nonetheless] because you can't even suck with any degree of competence.
Ms. Bedi lecturing on how you too can get your very own world famous kangaroo court reality show.
Broken NOT bent.
Do I vote for the BJP or do I vote for the Congress? Wait a minute what does it matter? they are all just different KINDS of a$$h0!es anyway.
Today, Delhi has gone ahead and done the same, as of now, the turnout is about 38%, wait a minute if I can remember correctly Delhi is the capital of our country or something isn't it? I mean, I know that we can't really be sure of any of this, what with all the fake and or incomplete historical records and our national hobby of exaggerating our 'culture', but if my second standard Geography is correct (or was it history??? or GK) I think it is. So the people who live right under the government's hideous nose don't care, why would anyone else?
Suspected location of Delhi. Courtesy our research team.
A polling booth in delhi; a stampede of voters eager to uphold the spirit of democracy.
K. Bedi another one of our so called National Heroes; mediocre hacks having risen to the top not due to their talent but due to a lack of competition, was seen on TV criticizing the people for not coming to vote and further adding that they didn't deserve the holiday. That the people don't care who comes to power shows the ludicrousness of available choice and the quality of the leaders who are contesting. Yes, you are right madam, the people don't need a holiday to ignore the political establishment in the country, they do that all year round. Our country prospers not because of you but in spite of you [I know, I know...cliched statement, but true nonetheless] because you can't even suck with any degree of competence.
Ms. Bedi lecturing on how you too can get your very own world famous kangaroo court reality show.
Friday, May 01, 2009
The Game
Someone left me a comment that can be considered to be "confrontational" asking me to "change" the system instead of criticizing it. Barack obama's ghost is just not willing to die is it? Everyone from that chiranjeevi guy to these trolls seem to not understand what a cliche is and that they are not cool. Like that dick who keeps bringing up that Alanis Morissette song every time someone misuses the word "irony".
So let me get this straight, I haven't the right to express opinion? That you don't like how I feel is reason enough to make you want to stop me?
What is this? Conditional Free Speech???
The conversation usually goes something like this:
prima: Man, is it baking hot? I hate this shit.
Secunda: Oh yeah, why don't you do something about it, instead of just criticizing the weather?
prima: er...???
"I think Fascist is a pretty cool guy. eh kills logic and doesn't afraid of anything."
Our backend research team has managed to locate a pair of these Conditional Free Speech Nazis and recorded their conversation as a guide to help those of you who believe in their ideology to carry out your own conversations while keeping in mind their rules.
Our research team, busy sorting data.
The conversation, as recorded:
Prima Nazi: ...
Secunda Nazi: ...
Prima Nazi: ...
Ssecunda Nazi: ...
Oops, it's not working that well for them. The system. Is it?
So let me get this straight, I haven't the right to express opinion? That you don't like how I feel is reason enough to make you want to stop me?
What is this? Conditional Free Speech???
The conversation usually goes something like this:
prima: Man, is it baking hot? I hate this shit.
Secunda: Oh yeah, why don't you do something about it, instead of just criticizing the weather?
prima: er...???
"Don't say something unless you are doing something about it." - Ein fascist vho duzn't unterstant free speechen.
"I think Fascist is a pretty cool guy. eh kills logic and doesn't afraid of anything."
Our backend research team has managed to locate a pair of these Conditional Free Speech Nazis and recorded their conversation as a guide to help those of you who believe in their ideology to carry out your own conversations while keeping in mind their rules.
Our research team, busy sorting data.
The conversation, as recorded:
Prima Nazi: ...
Secunda Nazi: ...
Prima Nazi: ...
Ssecunda Nazi: ...
Oops, it's not working that well for them. The system. Is it?
Friday, April 24, 2009
cough *morons* cough*cant breathe*cough
Now we all know Aakriti, what's that you say, you don't? Hmmm, it is probably because you don't watch the news because her story is all that the news channels these days talk about. politics, elections?? what elections????
So she was a 17 year old girl who died of an asthma attack, and now every tom dick and harry in Delhi is baying for the principal's head, because all of a sudden the sanctity of life and the criminal negligence of the school are everything that the self-righteous, we-wanna-pretend-to-be-Barkha-Dutt-for-the-duration-of-the-while-that-this-news-item-is-in-the-limelight people think about. These are the same people who will throw their parents into an old age home, overtake from the left, accept bribes at work, and ogle at the neighbor's daughter when they get home.
So, Anyway I know that the girl is dead there is no point in offering her any advise but perhaps someone else in a similar situation can derive the benefits from it:
Anyway, the funny part is that every one of these holier-than-thou protesters is secretly thinking "Thank god it wasn't me or my daughter, phew"
"Aww come on Karbage, it is only human nature" You say.
and I say: yes, precisely the point.
The girl's mom says that she wants the principal to resign if only for the other girls, what she really wants is revenge. There is nothing wrong with her wanting revenge, however masking it as concern for others is the mark of a beast.
And did you happen to watch her classmates? It was the perfect example of USI [Unwarranted Self Importance]: 17-18 year old north Indian chicks screaming their guts out mainly because, well let's face it, they CAN. Where were they when their friend was in trouble, did none of them have the presence of mind to call for an ambulance? or even call her parents? I would suggest the use of the following avant garde, new fangle invention of space technology:
I mean for someone to die of an asthma attack in the presence of other people, in the middle of a city in 2009 is like you dying due to massive blood loss from a pin prick in a blood bank. It is absurd, so you can imagine the incompetence of everyone involved including her so called friends.
So she was a 17 year old girl who died of an asthma attack, and now every tom dick and harry in Delhi is baying for the principal's head, because all of a sudden the sanctity of life and the criminal negligence of the school are everything that the self-righteous, we-wanna-pretend-to-be-Barkha-Dutt-for-the-duration-of-the-while-that-this-news-item-is-in-the-limelight people think about. These are the same people who will throw their parents into an old age home, overtake from the left, accept bribes at work, and ogle at the neighbor's daughter when they get home.
So, Anyway I know that the girl is dead there is no point in offering her any advise but perhaps someone else in a similar situation can derive the benefits from it:
Anyway, the funny part is that every one of these holier-than-thou protesters is secretly thinking "Thank god it wasn't me or my daughter, phew"
"Aww come on Karbage, it is only human nature" You say.
and I say: yes, precisely the point.
The girl's mom says that she wants the principal to resign if only for the other girls, what she really wants is revenge. There is nothing wrong with her wanting revenge, however masking it as concern for others is the mark of a beast.
And did you happen to watch her classmates? It was the perfect example of USI [Unwarranted Self Importance]: 17-18 year old north Indian chicks screaming their guts out mainly because, well let's face it, they CAN. Where were they when their friend was in trouble, did none of them have the presence of mind to call for an ambulance? or even call her parents? I would suggest the use of the following avant garde, new fangle invention of space technology:
I mean for someone to die of an asthma attack in the presence of other people, in the middle of a city in 2009 is like you dying due to massive blood loss from a pin prick in a blood bank. It is absurd, so you can imagine the incompetence of everyone involved including her so called friends.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Laptops are people too.
So is there anybody out there? who does this:
You use your laptop on its battery supply, lost in your work, you don't realize this until it starts to hibernate. That is when you try to stop it by hurriedly connecting it to the power supply, in the naive almost comically pathetic hope that the computer will now, in light of the fact that the power supply has resumed, decide to put a halt to the process of hibernation and resume working.
yeah?
yeah...?
No?
:'(
Ok.
==========================
Addendum:
Welcome to India; the country of mismanagement galore, where a law abiding citizen such as myself has to submit himself to farcical government procedures and protocol in order to get a passport renewed [the funny part is that while I can technically use my passport as a universal address proof since it is one of the toughest documents to forge, I can't use it as proof with the authority that issued it to me and which is going to issue me with the renewed document. Does this make sense to you? ] while alien terrorists like Ajmal Kasab can coolly just waltz into the country on a rubber dinghy and use live people as targets for shooting practise. I need to bribe the bastards at the RTO to register my car in time while the government allows aliens like Quattrochi to gaily withdraw funds from seized bank accounts. I could just go on and on. I am disgusted with the people of our country. I seriously am.
So I have been trying to renew my passport since last month, first the fucking agent made a mistake in counting and incorrectly assumed that I was an adult [he calls it 'major'] when I got my previous passport, so I had to return after 4 hours of boredom in the passport office. Then comes the strike that the workers were on; which lasted until this monday, now it seems that I need 3 proofs of ID and a police verification as well. All of this for a fucking renewal, this will be my third passport. God I hate these slothful government bureaucracies, and those we-stink-worse-than-smegma[this is apparently an adjective] governments employees,and these archaic rules that the whole world has abandoned except for our glorious nation.
You use your laptop on its battery supply, lost in your work, you don't realize this until it starts to hibernate. That is when you try to stop it by hurriedly connecting it to the power supply, in the naive almost comically pathetic hope that the computer will now, in light of the fact that the power supply has resumed, decide to put a halt to the process of hibernation and resume working.
yeah?
yeah...?
No?
:'(
Ok.
==========================
Addendum:
Welcome to India; the country of mismanagement galore, where a law abiding citizen such as myself has to submit himself to farcical government procedures and protocol in order to get a passport renewed [the funny part is that while I can technically use my passport as a universal address proof since it is one of the toughest documents to forge, I can't use it as proof with the authority that issued it to me and which is going to issue me with the renewed document. Does this make sense to you? ] while alien terrorists like Ajmal Kasab can coolly just waltz into the country on a rubber dinghy and use live people as targets for shooting practise. I need to bribe the bastards at the RTO to register my car in time while the government allows aliens like Quattrochi to gaily withdraw funds from seized bank accounts. I could just go on and on. I am disgusted with the people of our country. I seriously am.
So I have been trying to renew my passport since last month, first the fucking agent made a mistake in counting and incorrectly assumed that I was an adult [he calls it 'major'] when I got my previous passport, so I had to return after 4 hours of boredom in the passport office. Then comes the strike that the workers were on; which lasted until this monday, now it seems that I need 3 proofs of ID and a police verification as well. All of this for a fucking renewal, this will be my third passport. God I hate these slothful government bureaucracies, and those we-stink-worse-than-smegma[this is apparently an adjective] governments employees,and these archaic rules that the whole world has abandoned except for our glorious nation.
Tuesday, April 07, 2009
Indianism.
Have you ever wondered if you are truly Indian at heart?
That an authentic Indian heart beats within the confines of your chest, and that you are worthy of being an Indian and holding an Indian passport? After all, getting a passport in our country is equivalent to performing the twelve labors of Hercules, and that too without his powers. Case in point, the guy in front of me when I had gone, unsuccessfully, to renew my passport; was asked to go back home for the third time because the bank manager, this time, had signed on the wrong side of the letter. Anyway that is besides the point.
Ooh Ooh, can I have mine in Purple?
What were we talking about? Oh yes: do you wonder if you are truly Indian? if you do, do not fear for I, karbage, most gracious; most merciful, purveyor of the three worlds, knower of the unknowable, custodian of the two holy tenets: freedom of speech, and the "leave me alone" directive, have come up with a sure fire test to give you hapless mortals concrete proof of your indianness or its lack thereof.
Test: In order to perform the test you must find the northeast direction, which is why I would prefer you did the test on a laptop, and read out the following prayer, you must make sure that the direction is NE as Vaastu commands you to utilize the positive vibrations that propogate along the lay lines which lie in that cardinal direction.
Now, here is the actual test, IF at no point of time during the prayer did you laugh out loud because you saw yourself putting your god, whosoever it might be: jebus, FSM, or Xenu, in a cooker with some water and...
Then, you my friend are definitely Indian inside. In which case you are entitled to wear the Indian Inside tee, as this woman who has undoubtedly passed my test, has done. On a side note doesn't the chick look like chief Wiggum's long lost daughter?
Available in all sizes and shapes.
Your author unfortunately Phails this test big time, and was subsequently beaten by his mom for laughing out loud when she used the word "pressurize" in a non-engineering context
That an authentic Indian heart beats within the confines of your chest, and that you are worthy of being an Indian and holding an Indian passport? After all, getting a passport in our country is equivalent to performing the twelve labors of Hercules, and that too without his powers. Case in point, the guy in front of me when I had gone, unsuccessfully, to renew my passport; was asked to go back home for the third time because the bank manager, this time, had signed on the wrong side of the letter. Anyway that is besides the point.
Ooh Ooh, can I have mine in Purple?
What were we talking about? Oh yes: do you wonder if you are truly Indian? if you do, do not fear for I, karbage, most gracious; most merciful, purveyor of the three worlds, knower of the unknowable, custodian of the two holy tenets: freedom of speech, and the "leave me alone" directive, have come up with a sure fire test to give you hapless mortals concrete proof of your indianness or its lack thereof.
Test: In order to perform the test you must find the northeast direction, which is why I would prefer you did the test on a laptop, and read out the following prayer, you must make sure that the direction is NE as Vaastu commands you to utilize the positive vibrations that propogate along the lay lines which lie in that cardinal direction.
"Lord God, It is I, your humble creation, I seek your guidance in solving a particular problem that is haunting my conscience. I need to know whether I am truly Indian or not, so I would like to pressurize you to come forward and reveal to me the answer to my humble question."
Now, here is the actual test, IF at no point of time during the prayer did you laugh out loud because you saw yourself putting your god, whosoever it might be: jebus, FSM, or Xenu, in a cooker with some water and...
Then, you my friend are definitely Indian inside. In which case you are entitled to wear the Indian Inside tee, as this woman who has undoubtedly passed my test, has done. On a side note doesn't the chick look like chief Wiggum's long lost daughter?
Available in all sizes and shapes.
Your author unfortunately Phails this test big time, and was subsequently beaten by his mom for laughing out loud when she used the word "pressurize" in a non-engineering context
Monday, March 30, 2009
payback
Hmmm...
So you all diligently follow my blog, you spend a few bytes of your internet bandwidth and a few minutes of your time, all for maybe a quite chuckle in your head once in a while that is... if I have been somewhat creative in an article. This happens rarely and you are beginning to think 'okay, does this crappy blog deserve the time and energy I spend in reading it?' and it is quite possible that you may answer that question with a 'NO'
So, as a thanks, I am going to suggest an album, and a comic that I think you should download and\or buy and listen and\or read.
This is an album called Pale Blue Dot by Benn Jordan. You could call it experimental or space electronica or breakcore, basically he uses dissonance really well and layers his samples to create very atmospheric, three dimensional sounding pieces, and with a tinge of melancholic sadness that keeps you listening. Not many might like this one, but that does not mean that it is not good. So go ahead, if you are feeling especially brave, try the album out. I like to imagine that it is the kind of stuff that the Silver Surfer might hear on his voyages through the vastness of space on his cool surfboard at speeds greater than the speed of light.
The Silver Surfer by the way is the protagonist of the comic that I am going to suggest to you today, released in 2007, Si1ver Surfer Requiem, was interesting enough to keep a DC fan and a silver surfer noob like me, interested enough to hunt for and finish reading all four issues of this mini-series. That is not all, I am now a fan of the silver surfer, even if his other stories do not match up to this one[once I read them of course]. To put it in perspective; my favorite superhero would be Batman for his human-ness and the complexity of his character, his flaws and his strengths. While the Silver Surfer has my admiration for the perfection of his ideal, his infallibility, his almost godlike purity. So the issue to really watch out for is #2 where he and spidey have a conversation; which is well worth the effort of downloading it. And any story that effectively quotes Shakespeare can't be all bad right?
What I would suggest is that you listen to the soundtrack while reading the four issue series. they match like they were meant to be. I guarantee that your experience will be a memorable one.
All links are found through google. Credit goes to the original uploaders.
So you all diligently follow my blog, you spend a few bytes of your internet bandwidth and a few minutes of your time, all for maybe a quite chuckle in your head once in a while that is... if I have been somewhat creative in an article. This happens rarely and you are beginning to think 'okay, does this crappy blog deserve the time and energy I spend in reading it?' and it is quite possible that you may answer that question with a 'NO'
So, as a thanks, I am going to suggest an album, and a comic that I think you should download and\or buy and listen and\or read.
This is an album called Pale Blue Dot by Benn Jordan. You could call it experimental or space electronica or breakcore, basically he uses dissonance really well and layers his samples to create very atmospheric, three dimensional sounding pieces, and with a tinge of melancholic sadness that keeps you listening. Not many might like this one, but that does not mean that it is not good. So go ahead, if you are feeling especially brave, try the album out. I like to imagine that it is the kind of stuff that the Silver Surfer might hear on his voyages through the vastness of space on his cool surfboard at speeds greater than the speed of light.
The Silver Surfer by the way is the protagonist of the comic that I am going to suggest to you today, released in 2007, Si1ver Surfer Requiem, was interesting enough to keep a DC fan and a silver surfer noob like me, interested enough to hunt for and finish reading all four issues of this mini-series. That is not all, I am now a fan of the silver surfer, even if his other stories do not match up to this one[once I read them of course]. To put it in perspective; my favorite superhero would be Batman for his human-ness and the complexity of his character, his flaws and his strengths. While the Silver Surfer has my admiration for the perfection of his ideal, his infallibility, his almost godlike purity. So the issue to really watch out for is #2 where he and spidey have a conversation; which is well worth the effort of downloading it. And any story that effectively quotes Shakespeare can't be all bad right?
What I would suggest is that you listen to the soundtrack while reading the four issue series. they match like they were meant to be. I guarantee that your experience will be a memorable one.
All links are found through google. Credit goes to the original uploaders.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Sitting in a tree.
I got this as a email a long time back. I spent a lot of time searching for it because I liked it and wanted to read it again, it definitely looks apocryphal; but who cares for accuracy huh? You could also call it sexist or inappropriate, I don't really care. It is fun to read and that is what I am looking for :)
I promise that my next article will be original. But for now, read this one please. Or not. Whatever.
==============
I promise that my next article will be original. But for now, read this one please. Or not. Whatever.
==============
This assignment was actually turned in by two of my English students:
Rebecca and Gary
English 44A
SMU
Creative Writing
Professor Miller
In-class assignment for Wednesday:
Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The
process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to
his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first
paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and
then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a
third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to reread what has
been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is
over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.
——————————————
At first, Laurie couldnt’ decide which kind of tea she wanted. The
camomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now
reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he
liked camomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind
off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about
him too much her asthma started acting up again. So camomile was out of
the question.
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron
now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than
the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he
had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. “A. S. Harris to Geostation
17″, he said into his transgalactic communicator. “Polar orbit
established. No sign of resistance so far…” But before he could sign
off a blueish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole
through his ships cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying
out of his seat and across the cockpit.
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt
one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had
ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless
hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Sklylon 4. “Congress Passes
Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel.” Laurie read in her
newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her.
She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth - when the days had
passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no
television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the
beutiful things around her. “Why must one lose one’s innocence to become
a woman?” she pondered wistfully.
Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands
of miles above the city, the Anu’udrian mothership launched the first of
its lithlum fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed
the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left
Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were
determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage
of, the treaty the Anu’udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying
enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop
them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithlum fusion
missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his
top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast
of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosian which vaporized Laurie
and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the
conference table. “We can’t allow this! I’m going to veto that treaty!
Let’s blow’em out of the sky!”
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My
writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.
Yeah? Well, you’re a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at
writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.
Asshole.
Bitch.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Brou-ohno
[background to this article:
me: I want an innovative article, on a subject that no one has thought of.
karbage: Hmmm... You could write one on politics.
me: Yeah, but everyone is writing about it.
kargabe: So make it unique and interesting, then.
me: But I know jackshit about politics.
karbage: make shit up, and add pictures, lots... of... pictures]
-------------------------------------------
Is there anyone else out there who is sick and fed up of this whole Election euphoria?
Anyone else out there who wants to kick those people in that 'jaagore' ad? You know the one... where a wise-ass midget and his billy goat-like concubine resort to bullying in order to, ironically, 'force' people to utilize their 'freedom' to vote. And if I am mistaken and it is a duty not a right, then I want out of the country.
Yup, this guy. Don't you want to knead him in the balls?
Anyone else who wishes that all these political parties shut the hell up and their members commit seppuku?
Phew, I feel better now. Much better.
Right, what I want to say is that there is really no party that deserves to come to power, the congress claims to be secular and claims to look after the minority groups, well, they had the country in their grasps for almost 50 years, and what did they do? nothing. The BJP is equally bad, and is good mostly for infighting and shooting itself in the foot. the left is still, I shit you not, STILL blaming the Zionists and the Imperialists for its woes. Let me say that again, they are blaming 'people who want their own Jewish homeland' and 'people who followed a now extinct European ideology' for their problems.
ONOZ, a Zionist!!!!!!!eleventyoneone1111111!!! Run away!
I was supposed to write a much longer article but I just realized that whatever I am going to say has already been said a million times before, so instead I am just going to say: Fuck It, I am not going to vote, instead I will sit at home and relax during the holiday that they give doing something more productive and fulfilling like staring at a wall or perhaps I could try self-trepanation. Which I hear is a pretty simple operation that one can easily do at home, observe:
[admittedly, this article has been poorly thought out, but that is what happens when Indian Politics gets involved. Maybe I should try contesting. I have the prerequisite minimum stupidity]
The jaagore website; forgetting that not everyone is eligible to vote.
me: I want an innovative article, on a subject that no one has thought of.
karbage: Hmmm... You could write one on politics.
me: Yeah, but everyone is writing about it.
kargabe: So make it unique and interesting, then.
me: But I know jackshit about politics.
karbage: make shit up, and add pictures, lots... of... pictures]
-------------------------------------------
Is there anyone else out there who is sick and fed up of this whole Election euphoria?
Anyone else out there who wants to kick those people in that 'jaagore' ad? You know the one... where a wise-ass midget and his billy goat-like concubine resort to bullying in order to, ironically, 'force' people to utilize their 'freedom' to vote. And if I am mistaken and it is a duty not a right, then I want out of the country.
Yup, this guy. Don't you want to knead him in the balls?
Anyone else who wishes that all these political parties shut the hell up and their members commit seppuku?
Phew, I feel better now. Much better.
Right, what I want to say is that there is really no party that deserves to come to power, the congress claims to be secular and claims to look after the minority groups, well, they had the country in their grasps for almost 50 years, and what did they do? nothing. The BJP is equally bad, and is good mostly for infighting and shooting itself in the foot. the left is still, I shit you not, STILL blaming the Zionists and the Imperialists for its woes. Let me say that again, they are blaming 'people who want their own Jewish homeland' and 'people who followed a now extinct European ideology' for their problems.
ONOZ, a Zionist!!!!!!!eleventyoneone1111111!!! Run away!
I was supposed to write a much longer article but I just realized that whatever I am going to say has already been said a million times before, so instead I am just going to say: Fuck It, I am not going to vote, instead I will sit at home and relax during the holiday that they give doing something more productive and fulfilling like staring at a wall or perhaps I could try self-trepanation. Which I hear is a pretty simple operation that one can easily do at home, observe:
[admittedly, this article has been poorly thought out, but that is what happens when Indian Politics gets involved. Maybe I should try contesting. I have the prerequisite minimum stupidity]
The jaagore website; forgetting that not everyone is eligible to vote.
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